Harper's Island: The Miniseries

Okay, I am actually really enjoying this, despite all the gratuitous gore. All I have to say is this:

That kid, Madison, is JUST AWFUL. Normally when I see acting this bad, I assume the actress has slept with the director. Since this kid is 8 or so, I'm hoping that isn't the case. Here are some other theories on how she got the part:

1. Dad is a mafia hit man to whom the director owed money. It was either cast of or "swim with the fishes" (it was a tough choice, believe me).

2. The director was really smashed and picked the first name he found in the phonebook. (Slurring): "Heeeeyyyyyy, do YOU have any KITHDSSSS?? ZZZZzzzzz."

3. Somebody overheard the casting director say "Oh, yeah, she's just AWESOME!". Somebody who doesn't grasp the concept of sarcasm.

4. The director lost a bet.

5. Casting took place on Opposite Day.


In all seriousness, I've seen better acting "Mean Girls 2."

Whip it

This is Drew Barrymore's directorial debut. I watched it anyway.

Right before I watched this movie I accidentally stepped on an electrical plug and the prongs gave me a 3/4 inch puncture wound. The movie took my mind off the pain immediately, although it was kind of like shooting yourself in the kneecap to take your mind off a papercut.

This movie is Mighty Ducks but with a really obvious "girls rock!" theme. Nothing wrong with girls rocking, but here's a hint: any movie with a scene where girls are sitting in a car singing at the top of their lungs and the audience is meant to think "Wow, they're having fun, those girls!" needs to be taken out of its misery. When I wrote that last sentence I didn't even see the food fight scene. God, this movie sucks.

I mean, even Ellen Page, who is inherently decent, looks like somebody starring in their first high school musical.

By the way, this movie should have been made 10 years ago. In other words, Ellen Page would have actually been in high school and Juliette Lewis would have been, you know, under 40.

This movie made me really learn something. It made me learn that Drew Barrymore is as good at directing as she is at British accents. Seriously, THAT good.

Twilight

Now, I read the book. Don't make fun of me. I was skeptical about Harry Potter when it first became popular and immensely enjoyed it once I actually read it, so I figured "Twilight" would be the same. How very, very wrong I was.

Now, to be fair to this movie, there wasn't really much to work with. They were fairly true to the terrible book; in other words, it was terrible.

I think the Director was really lazy. I think he just came to work once. I think he showed up at the beginning of filming and said "Okay, Kristin Stewart? I want you to deliver your lines completely dead pan. No facial expressions, no change in voice tone, nothing. And above all, DON'T SMILE!!! Now, give me happiness!:



Excellent! Now give me anger:



Brava! Now give me love:



You are marvelous! Now I'm going home. See you at premiere."

Actually, before he left, he was sure to tell Edward Cullen that no matter what he should look like a heroin junkie who's making eyes like he's trying to find the 3D sailboat in a hidden image.

Oh, and to make everything look blue.

But to be fair, it really was an awful book.

Mean Girls 2

I'm watching "Mean Girls 2". On purpose.

And while I'm pretty sure that the message of "Mean Girls" was that girls should be nice to each other, it appears that the message of "Mean Girls 2" is that there is a reason that some movies go straight to video.

Incidentally, I think there is a hierarchy of actors. Here goes, from top to bottom:

1. Actors in critically acclaimed, award winning movies
2. Actors in B movies
3. Actors in most other movies
4. Porn stars
5. People who play ghosts on the History Channel's "Most Haunted Hotels"
6. People who provide commentary for VH1 compilation shows (i.e. "I Love the 80's")
7. Actors in "Mean Girls 2"

How to Make a Nancy Meyers Film

Step 1: Find a really cool idea for a movie, like a womanizer who can suddenly read women's thoughts or two divorced people having an affair with each other. Then ruin it. Spectacularly.

Step 2: Hire a strong female lead with loads of Emmy nominations and major acting ability but direct her in such a way to make her look like she's a B actress from a homemade horror film.

Step 3: Hire a skeevy male lead, preferably one who has been in trouble with law because he abused his ex-wife, and try to make him look dashing, but succeed in making him look about as appealing as a flasher on a kindergarten playground.

Step 4: Start out strong, so in the first 10 minutes people watching the movie think "It looks like I'm in a for a treat!"

Step 5: Allow the film to slowly disintegrate into drivel so that by the time the movie is over your audience, like a frog in a pot being brought to a boil, envies Helen Keller in a way that only people who have sat through an entire Nancy Meyers movie can understand.