Okay, I am actually really enjoying this, despite all the gratuitous gore. All I have to say is this:
That kid, Madison, is JUST AWFUL. Normally when I see acting this bad, I assume the actress has slept with the director. Since this kid is 8 or so, I'm hoping that isn't the case. Here are some other theories on how she got the part:
1. Dad is a mafia hit man to whom the director owed money. It was either cast of or "swim with the fishes" (it was a tough choice, believe me).
2. The director was really smashed and picked the first name he found in the phonebook. (Slurring): "Heeeeyyyyyy, do YOU have any KITHDSSSS?? ZZZZzzzzz."
3. Somebody overheard the casting director say "Oh, yeah, she's just AWESOME!". Somebody who doesn't grasp the concept of sarcasm.
4. The director lost a bet.
5. Casting took place on Opposite Day.
In all seriousness, I've seen better acting "Mean Girls 2."
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Whip it
This is Drew Barrymore's directorial debut. I watched it anyway.
Right before I watched this movie I accidentally stepped on an electrical plug and the prongs gave me a 3/4 inch puncture wound. The movie took my mind off the pain immediately, although it was kind of like shooting yourself in the kneecap to take your mind off a papercut.
This movie is Mighty Ducks but with a really obvious "girls rock!" theme. Nothing wrong with girls rocking, but here's a hint: any movie with a scene where girls are sitting in a car singing at the top of their lungs and the audience is meant to think "Wow, they're having fun, those girls!" needs to be taken out of its misery. When I wrote that last sentence I didn't even see the food fight scene. God, this movie sucks.
I mean, even Ellen Page, who is inherently decent, looks like somebody starring in their first high school musical.
By the way, this movie should have been made 10 years ago. In other words, Ellen Page would have actually been in high school and Juliette Lewis would have been, you know, under 40.
This movie made me really learn something. It made me learn that Drew Barrymore is as good at directing as she is at British accents. Seriously, THAT good.
Right before I watched this movie I accidentally stepped on an electrical plug and the prongs gave me a 3/4 inch puncture wound. The movie took my mind off the pain immediately, although it was kind of like shooting yourself in the kneecap to take your mind off a papercut.
This movie is Mighty Ducks but with a really obvious "girls rock!" theme. Nothing wrong with girls rocking, but here's a hint: any movie with a scene where girls are sitting in a car singing at the top of their lungs and the audience is meant to think "Wow, they're having fun, those girls!" needs to be taken out of its misery. When I wrote that last sentence I didn't even see the food fight scene. God, this movie sucks.
I mean, even Ellen Page, who is inherently decent, looks like somebody starring in their first high school musical.
By the way, this movie should have been made 10 years ago. In other words, Ellen Page would have actually been in high school and Juliette Lewis would have been, you know, under 40.
This movie made me really learn something. It made me learn that Drew Barrymore is as good at directing as she is at British accents. Seriously, THAT good.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Twilight
Now, I read the book. Don't make fun of me. I was skeptical about Harry Potter when it first became popular and immensely enjoyed it once I actually read it, so I figured "Twilight" would be the same. How very, very wrong I was.
Now, to be fair to this movie, there wasn't really much to work with. They were fairly true to the terrible book; in other words, it was terrible.
I think the Director was really lazy. I think he just came to work once. I think he showed up at the beginning of filming and said "Okay, Kristin Stewart? I want you to deliver your lines completely dead pan. No facial expressions, no change in voice tone, nothing. And above all, DON'T SMILE!!! Now, give me happiness!:
Excellent! Now give me anger:
Brava! Now give me love:
You are marvelous! Now I'm going home. See you at premiere."
Actually, before he left, he was sure to tell Edward Cullen that no matter what he should look like a heroin junkie who's making eyes like he's trying to find the 3D sailboat in a hidden image.
Oh, and to make everything look blue.
But to be fair, it really was an awful book.
Now, to be fair to this movie, there wasn't really much to work with. They were fairly true to the terrible book; in other words, it was terrible.
I think the Director was really lazy. I think he just came to work once. I think he showed up at the beginning of filming and said "Okay, Kristin Stewart? I want you to deliver your lines completely dead pan. No facial expressions, no change in voice tone, nothing. And above all, DON'T SMILE!!! Now, give me happiness!:
Excellent! Now give me anger:
Brava! Now give me love:
You are marvelous! Now I'm going home. See you at premiere."
Actually, before he left, he was sure to tell Edward Cullen that no matter what he should look like a heroin junkie who's making eyes like he's trying to find the 3D sailboat in a hidden image.
Oh, and to make everything look blue.
But to be fair, it really was an awful book.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Mean Girls 2
I'm watching "Mean Girls 2". On purpose.
And while I'm pretty sure that the message of "Mean Girls" was that girls should be nice to each other, it appears that the message of "Mean Girls 2" is that there is a reason that some movies go straight to video.
Incidentally, I think there is a hierarchy of actors. Here goes, from top to bottom:
1. Actors in critically acclaimed, award winning movies
2. Actors in B movies
3. Actors in most other movies
4. Porn stars
5. People who play ghosts on the History Channel's "Most Haunted Hotels"
6. People who provide commentary for VH1 compilation shows (i.e. "I Love the 80's")
7. Actors in "Mean Girls 2"
And while I'm pretty sure that the message of "Mean Girls" was that girls should be nice to each other, it appears that the message of "Mean Girls 2" is that there is a reason that some movies go straight to video.
Incidentally, I think there is a hierarchy of actors. Here goes, from top to bottom:
1. Actors in critically acclaimed, award winning movies
2. Actors in B movies
3. Actors in most other movies
4. Porn stars
5. People who play ghosts on the History Channel's "Most Haunted Hotels"
6. People who provide commentary for VH1 compilation shows (i.e. "I Love the 80's")
7. Actors in "Mean Girls 2"
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
How to Make a Nancy Meyers Film
Step 1: Find a really cool idea for a movie, like a womanizer who can suddenly read women's thoughts or two divorced people having an affair with each other. Then ruin it. Spectacularly.
Step 2: Hire a strong female lead with loads of Emmy nominations and major acting ability but direct her in such a way to make her look like she's a B actress from a homemade horror film.
Step 3: Hire a skeevy male lead, preferably one who has been in trouble with law because he abused his ex-wife, and try to make him look dashing, but succeed in making him look about as appealing as a flasher on a kindergarten playground.
Step 4: Start out strong, so in the first 10 minutes people watching the movie think "It looks like I'm in a for a treat!"
Step 5: Allow the film to slowly disintegrate into drivel so that by the time the movie is over your audience, like a frog in a pot being brought to a boil, envies Helen Keller in a way that only people who have sat through an entire Nancy Meyers movie can understand.
Step 2: Hire a strong female lead with loads of Emmy nominations and major acting ability but direct her in such a way to make her look like she's a B actress from a homemade horror film.
Step 3: Hire a skeevy male lead, preferably one who has been in trouble with law because he abused his ex-wife, and try to make him look dashing, but succeed in making him look about as appealing as a flasher on a kindergarten playground.
Step 4: Start out strong, so in the first 10 minutes people watching the movie think "It looks like I'm in a for a treat!"
Step 5: Allow the film to slowly disintegrate into drivel so that by the time the movie is over your audience, like a frog in a pot being brought to a boil, envies Helen Keller in a way that only people who have sat through an entire Nancy Meyers movie can understand.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Dan Brown's "The Lost" Symbol
I know, I know, Dan Brown books are just awful. They're like cinema popcorn: you know shouldn't, you know you are going to be sick, but it's FABULOUS!
Anyway, Dan Brown wrote a book that took place in D.C., but apparently rather than actually visit D.C. to write his novel he based all of his research off of google maps. Here's a running tally of things he gets wrong about D.C., AKA why you shouldn't write a novel based on looking at a google map of it:
1. Everybody in the book is super interested in the Redskins. In fact, security is really lax because everybody is focused on the Redskins. That would be super accurate if ANYBODY in this city cared about the Redskins. Most D.C. natives who like football are Cowboys fans just because they hate the Redskins so much. And, since most people in D.C. aren't even from D.C., they even couldn't care less about the Redskins enough to hate them.
2. Someone refers to an address in "Kalorama Heights". That is a real place, but I've never heard it called that. It's just called Kalorama; I didn't even know there was a Heights attached to it. This is a little like writing a book about space and referring to NASA as the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. Did you know that's what it stood for? Liar.
3. The geography is all weird. Robert Langdon goes down Memorial Bridge from the airport and looks left to see the Tidal Basin. Yeah, good luck with that. Maybe he meant the other left.
4. Robert Langdon catches a cab downtown that has a glass divider and is driven by an Arab. A dispatcher then contacts his cab for a suspect alert. For one thing, I have NEVER seen a glass divider on a cab in D.C. For another thing, I know there is a stereotype of Arab cab drivers, but I honestly don't think I've ever seen one in D.C. Mostly Nigerians and Ethiopians, occasionally Indians, but never an Arab. Also, most cabs in D.C. are independent contractors. Finding one with an organized dispatch unit? Yeah, right.
5. Standing on Freedom Plaza, which Dan Brown claims gets a lot of tourists (anyone?) Robert Langdon spots a light up "subway" sign for metro center and runs there before the CIA can get to him. For one, metro center is several blocks, uphill, from Freedom plaza. And it's not called the subway. And it doesn't have light up signs.
6. The CIA meets him at King Street and asks which way to the Blue Line platform and then they gether as they watch the train come through the tunnel. King Street metro station has ONE platform, so it shouldn't be terribly hard to find, and it's outdoors above ground, so no tunnel in sight.
7. Langdon gets of at Tenleytown in an "upscale neighborhood" where he sees the National Cathedral and walks there, apparently right away. Tenleytown IS in an upscale neighborhood, but you would never guess it from exiting the metro there. The National Cathedral is also at least a 40-minute walk from there and it's definitely not visible from the metro.
By the way, I made the mistake of looking up something about the book before I had finished reading it and someone in the comment section said "Hey, I totally didn't see the plot twist where X did it!" Me, neither. Thanks, asshole. Needless to say, this silly book lost what little allure it had left.
Anyway, Dan Brown wrote a book that took place in D.C., but apparently rather than actually visit D.C. to write his novel he based all of his research off of google maps. Here's a running tally of things he gets wrong about D.C., AKA why you shouldn't write a novel based on looking at a google map of it:
1. Everybody in the book is super interested in the Redskins. In fact, security is really lax because everybody is focused on the Redskins. That would be super accurate if ANYBODY in this city cared about the Redskins. Most D.C. natives who like football are Cowboys fans just because they hate the Redskins so much. And, since most people in D.C. aren't even from D.C., they even couldn't care less about the Redskins enough to hate them.
2. Someone refers to an address in "Kalorama Heights". That is a real place, but I've never heard it called that. It's just called Kalorama; I didn't even know there was a Heights attached to it. This is a little like writing a book about space and referring to NASA as the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. Did you know that's what it stood for? Liar.
3. The geography is all weird. Robert Langdon goes down Memorial Bridge from the airport and looks left to see the Tidal Basin. Yeah, good luck with that. Maybe he meant the other left.
4. Robert Langdon catches a cab downtown that has a glass divider and is driven by an Arab. A dispatcher then contacts his cab for a suspect alert. For one thing, I have NEVER seen a glass divider on a cab in D.C. For another thing, I know there is a stereotype of Arab cab drivers, but I honestly don't think I've ever seen one in D.C. Mostly Nigerians and Ethiopians, occasionally Indians, but never an Arab. Also, most cabs in D.C. are independent contractors. Finding one with an organized dispatch unit? Yeah, right.
5. Standing on Freedom Plaza, which Dan Brown claims gets a lot of tourists (anyone?) Robert Langdon spots a light up "subway" sign for metro center and runs there before the CIA can get to him. For one, metro center is several blocks, uphill, from Freedom plaza. And it's not called the subway. And it doesn't have light up signs.
6. The CIA meets him at King Street and asks which way to the Blue Line platform and then they gether as they watch the train come through the tunnel. King Street metro station has ONE platform, so it shouldn't be terribly hard to find, and it's outdoors above ground, so no tunnel in sight.
7. Langdon gets of at Tenleytown in an "upscale neighborhood" where he sees the National Cathedral and walks there, apparently right away. Tenleytown IS in an upscale neighborhood, but you would never guess it from exiting the metro there. The National Cathedral is also at least a 40-minute walk from there and it's definitely not visible from the metro.
By the way, I made the mistake of looking up something about the book before I had finished reading it and someone in the comment section said "Hey, I totally didn't see the plot twist where X did it!" Me, neither. Thanks, asshole. Needless to say, this silly book lost what little allure it had left.
Ever After
"Ever After", starring Drew Barrymore, is a decent movie. At least it would be if it weren't starring Drew Barrymore. Actually, I'm not sure about that statement, since Drew Barrymore is so distracting that I really don't know if the movie is any good or not. In fact, I retract my earlier statement: it's probably a terrible movie.
I mean, the basic premise is okay. An emphysetic old lady (did they mass produce cigarettes back then?) tells a real life Cinderella story, and the cool thing is that Cinderella won the prince not by being pretty (although I think in the movie she's supposed to be pretty...fail!) but by being smart and well-read. Or at least as close to smart and well-read as Drew Barrymore can muster.
Here's the problem: apparently when casting was called, ALL THE ENGLISH PEOPLE EVERYWHERE IN THE WORLD DISAPPEARED. At least that's my guess. Despite the fact that the movie is supposed to take place in Renaissance France, which means that presumably everyone would be speaking, you know, French, the director decided that everyone should have an English accent. Apparently he decided this independently of the casting director, who only hired non-English people whose billing is inversely proportional to their ability to speak with an English accent.
Not since Dracula has there been such a bad decision regarding accents, when the chief British-accented people were Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder (kill me now!) and the ACTUALLY British Anthony Hopkins and Gary Oldman put on unconvincing Dutch and Romanian accents, respectively.
But I digress. Ever After stars Drew Barrymore, Anjelica Huston, and some blonde lady who I think I saw on SVU once, all of whom are American. The prince is played by a Scottish actor. The other stepsister is from New Zealand. Other than the prince and the Anjelica Huston, who can pull off the accents fairly well since they seem pretty relaxed about the whole thing, it's painful to listen to.
Worst of all, however, is Drew Barrymore, who sadly has more lines than anyone else. I think her voice coach really hated her and instead of having her listening to tapes of English people talking he gave her tapes of hee-hawing donkeys and Larry the Cable Guy pretending to be Prince Charles. In that case I commend her abilities, as the likeness is spot on.
WHY DID THEY CAST DREW BARRYMORE????? WHY?????? This movie was okay muted with closed captions on. It would probably also be okay dubbed in Spanish.
I mean, the basic premise is okay. An emphysetic old lady (did they mass produce cigarettes back then?) tells a real life Cinderella story, and the cool thing is that Cinderella won the prince not by being pretty (although I think in the movie she's supposed to be pretty...fail!) but by being smart and well-read. Or at least as close to smart and well-read as Drew Barrymore can muster.
Here's the problem: apparently when casting was called, ALL THE ENGLISH PEOPLE EVERYWHERE IN THE WORLD DISAPPEARED. At least that's my guess. Despite the fact that the movie is supposed to take place in Renaissance France, which means that presumably everyone would be speaking, you know, French, the director decided that everyone should have an English accent. Apparently he decided this independently of the casting director, who only hired non-English people whose billing is inversely proportional to their ability to speak with an English accent.
Not since Dracula has there been such a bad decision regarding accents, when the chief British-accented people were Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder (kill me now!) and the ACTUALLY British Anthony Hopkins and Gary Oldman put on unconvincing Dutch and Romanian accents, respectively.
But I digress. Ever After stars Drew Barrymore, Anjelica Huston, and some blonde lady who I think I saw on SVU once, all of whom are American. The prince is played by a Scottish actor. The other stepsister is from New Zealand. Other than the prince and the Anjelica Huston, who can pull off the accents fairly well since they seem pretty relaxed about the whole thing, it's painful to listen to.
Worst of all, however, is Drew Barrymore, who sadly has more lines than anyone else. I think her voice coach really hated her and instead of having her listening to tapes of English people talking he gave her tapes of hee-hawing donkeys and Larry the Cable Guy pretending to be Prince Charles. In that case I commend her abilities, as the likeness is spot on.
WHY DID THEY CAST DREW BARRYMORE????? WHY?????? This movie was okay muted with closed captions on. It would probably also be okay dubbed in Spanish.
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